The toxcicity of doubt……
May 4, 2009, 8:53 pm
Filed under: Life....I wonder... | Tags: , , , ,

I like to hype myself up by telling myself that I have a special calling placed on my life and no matter what, I will manifest all the dreams and desires of my heart. Whenever I say that to myself I get the feeling that I’m a human bulldozer and the world is just one big pile of dirt waiting to get scooped by me. All it takes though is just one setback, one rejection, one whisper of self doubt to stall my engine. Doubt is indeed toxic, to the mind and soul.

It is defined as being a state of uncertainty about the truth, taking it’s root in the latin word dubitare which means to waver in opinion or hesitate. Indecision, uncertainty, and hesitation, all the things that doubt imparts. Those characteristics wouldn’t serve you well in a sinking boat and they damn sure don’t help you in this game called life, which is alot like a sinking boat if you think about it. No matter what you do or how you do it, you’re inching closer and closer to an inevitible grave.  Doubt wastes time, and time is all we have. Even though these things can be screamed in ones ear over and over again, the sad reality is most people live lives filled with doubt. Doubt filled lives lead to bitter individuals, and we’ve all got 1 or 2 of those in close vicinity. We hear a lot of carpe diem, grab the bull by the horns, live your life to the fullest propoganda but, what does it take to really live that way?

I look at myself sometimes and think damn, where has the time gone. Yes I’m still young, only 22, but sometimes I feel like a straight up looser. Whenever I see Rihanna, Soulja Boy or Miley Cyrus I think to myself damn, these young kids over here getting money, living thier dreams and I am still cleaning up after grown folks and children for spare change. I look at shows like Brave New Voices and Taking the Stage and I damn near want to cry. The thought resounds in my head you should’ve started grinding a long time ago because you’re too old to be a beginner. Yes at times I feel I have slept on the GOD given talents and abilities I have, and that’s the worst kind of feeling. To see somebody on television and say to yourself, that could’ve been me. I suffer from a lack of confidence due to the lack of support I recieved as youngin, I suppose. My family treated my interests like they were 2nd rate, even today when I say I want to be a writer I get slight nods and halfway smiles.

I’ve realized though, there is no support on this earth greater or more necessary  than the support of the one who created you, and no I ain’t talkin bout ya mommy or daddy. I come from a family of ministers and though I don’t claim any religious sect, I do believe that we are beings of purpose. Created to be unique and, whatever was destined for us no one can take away from us. I believe that the soul is divine and to fulfill it is the only way to experience the true freedom and joy of living. This is where doubt comes in. This is why doubt is toxic. If we have freewill then doubt is Mr. Popo, mess with him enough and he’ll cuff you, book you, and lock you up. Doubt takes our freedom, our time that could be better spent, and renders us unable to make the decisions so crucial to our journey. I once read a book entitled ‘Trust Your Vibes’ by psychic Sonya Choquette. Now before you roll your eyes and leave this page, I’m not saying you should trust a psychic to make your life decisions for you. In this book Sonya drops knowledge about following your vibes, intuition, or soul.

     “The price people pay for ignoring their vibes is high: They end up living in fear, feeling inadequate and powerless. They make decisions that aren’t good for them, which leads them to places other than where they want to be. They become anxious and addictive, acting aggressively, even violently, toward those they love, thus alienating themselves even more. They become stressed, even physically ill, and enjoy no real peace of mind. Wandering around in the darkness of second-guessing and worry, they fight against life or get trampled beneath it and fail to achieve thier purpose or spiritual goals, thus wasting instead of loving thier lives.” Speak Sonya!!!

I have struggled to actualize this truth in my life, that it is up to you to heed the calling of your soul, and no one else. You have to go hard even when you look behind you and see no one rooting in you’re section but these days supporters are like mice, they follow the cheese. It’s easy for others to turn thier nose up at what you do, until you start making the big bucks, then you’re a sucess, and everyone loves a success. I think of the music moguls who started selling cd’s out of trunks, or  beauty product mavens who started mixing in thier kitchens, the artist selling thier work on the corner or the entrepreneur who didn’t get any sleep last night. I think about the mother going back to school to get the degree she always wanted, and the father asking his family to believe in his dream and trust he’ll provide for them. Even before the dividends come, they’re successes, because they’ve got the courage to put in the hardest type of work there is.

Manifesting you’re destiny is not easy, if it was, we’d all be completely satisfied. According to the latest Gallup poll; 47% of Americans are very satisfied with thier lives, 33% are somewhat satisfied, 10% are somewhat dissatisfied, 8% are completely dissatisfied, and 2% have no opinion. So we can just deduce that only 47% of Americans feel 100% about the quality of thier personal lives which is less than half the population. Some might argue that being completely satisfied with life is unrealistic. I beg to differ.  Sleepless nights may come, lonliness may come, setbacks and dissapointments may come, but don’t ever doubt the gifts you know exists inside. Honoring them is the greatest satisfaction you’ll ever know.

“You just keep your faith in me

Dont act impatiently

You’ll get where you need to be

In due time

Even when things go slow

hold on and don’t let go

i’ll give you what I owe

in due time.”


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